meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
