woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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