Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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