I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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