If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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