I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
