Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
