a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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