Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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