Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
