Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Randomize
