just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
