you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
