i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
