hell yes lets make some ravioli
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
