So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
