Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
of course. lets lasso hookers.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
