getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
