The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
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She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
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You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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