It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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