I wish my penis had an off switch
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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