"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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