Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
