I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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