i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
