my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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