It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
