You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
