I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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