'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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