I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My dick has a subreddit
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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