I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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