how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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