If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
