I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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