??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
