We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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