he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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