Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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