he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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