he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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