There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
