I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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