having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
