Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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