Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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