Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
