Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
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I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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