walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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