if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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