angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
