Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
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I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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