Fine. I'll sleep in my office
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
