just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
