why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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