Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
