Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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