mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
