The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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