I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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