ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
